I don’t know what I want. From life.

What are my deepest goals? As a person, I have found that my goals are to educate myself and others to any extent, but also to enjoy life and make others enjoy it as well. But which of these drives who I am?

I used to think that this was just a silly question I needed to answer to figure out if I’m more like Pinkie Pie or Twilight Sparkle, but in the grand scheme of things, that doesn’t matter. What matters is my goals. It’s deeper than I thought.

I am always at war with myself. I’m not going to say something like “you would never know from the outside,” because, if you have seen me, you can probably tell that there is way too much going on in my head.

I over-think things. It’s true. And this might be why.

There are two versions of me.

Two phans. One part of me is (quite frankly) a genius. I am goal oriented and work hard to make awesome grades and to better myself and learn as much as I can. And the other part of me just wants to feel. To sit around and laugh until I cry and then laugh about my crying. I realize that to some extent, all people are like this, but i’m creating a rift within who I am.

There’s the dreamer and the thinker. They don’t get along well. It’s like Marius and Enjolras (sorry for Les Mis but this is just too perfect). The Marius in me just wants to find my soul mate and always be happy and ride off into the sunset, whereas the Enjolras in me is chomping at the bit to ascend to greatness and make a change in the world and to be successful.

So not only do I have two different personalities, I have two different sets of goals. Let’s put this to work.

On the topic of dating.

Marius-me says omg i totally want a boyfriend he would be so hot and smart and awesome and would quote stuff to me and make clever references and we would get married and it would be perfect and omg we would always be together and

“SHUT UP!” yells Enjolras-me.

NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR LONELY SOUL! This is not what you need right now! This will not help you its a commitment that you have no time for and you’ll only get hurt in the end. You’re much better off educating yourself and making something of your life.

But then Marius-me replies.

Well aren’t we wishy-washy. We have tons of friends that we spend hardly any time with outside of the realm of education. You don’t complain when we do. How is friendship any different from romance? You open yourself to a person, hope they take you for who you are, and it probably won’t last forever. We have friends but they don’t get in the way-

THIS IS DIFFERENT! enjolras-me interrupts again. Look at the barricade. We are friends. We are working towards a common goal. That is good. Falling in love helps no one.

Marius-me: so all of our friends are somehow fighting for the same thing as us? but that’s not even true!

…

see what i mean? this is every little issue. Marius-me wins out on super short term things like blogging before homework because it’s fun but the sensible Enjy-me wins out for every long-term aspect of my life. I guess that makes sense; that the goal driven genius always outsmarts the bumbling dreamer.

So I don’t know what I want for my life. I want to win and be an inspiration to others, but all the while.. Screw los demas! I only need someone to love and who loves me! But then what’s the point in living if you make no difference?

…

So I’ll leave you with this, dear readers.

Is it more important to touch one life deeply or to lightly touch thousands? Is it better to be blissfully unaware of the world, or to be alone but satisfied by the fact that you have helped many and changed lives?

If you ever find out, please tell me.

~phan

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