okay, so my favorite song in Les Miserables (these next few days will be very full of this sort of stuff since I just saw it last night and holy hell I woke up twice in the night crying) is Red and Black. Probably because it involves the epicness that is the ABC gang and just deepness. also enjolras, who I think might actually be my favorite character (eponine is still a close second).

So I was on Tumblr and wtf someone gizoogled the lyrics. I AM SICK I CAN’T BREATH. LAUGHING THIS HARD IS PAINFUL.

I AM DYING. but seriously, even if you don’t know the song, this is fugging hilarious.

Enjolras:
Da time is near…
So near… itz stirrin tha blood up in they veins, muthafucka!
And yet beware…
Don’t let tha wine go ta yo’ domes, muthafucka!
For tha army our crazy-ass asses fight be a thugged-out dangerous foe
With tha pimps n’ tha arms dat our crazy-ass asses never can match
Oh, itz easy as fuck ta sit here n’ swat ‘em like flies
But tha nationistic guard is ghon be harder ta catch.
Our thugged-out asses need a sign
To rally tha gangstas
To call em ta arms
To brang em up in line, muthafucka!
Marius, yo ass is late.
Jean Provaire:
Whatz wrong todizzle?
Yo ass look as if you’ve peeped a pimp.
Grantaire:
Some wine n’ say what tha fuck be happenin, muthafucka!
Marius:
A pimp you say… a pimp maybe
Biatch was just like a pimp ta me
One minute there, n’ her ass was gone, muthafucka!
Grantaire:
I be agog, muthafucka!
I be aghast, muthafucka!
Is Marius up in ludd at last?
I have never heard his ass ‘ooh’ n’ ‘aah’
Yo ass rap of battlez ta be won
But here he comes like Don Ju-an
It aint nuthin but mo’ betta than a o-per-a, muthafucka!
Enjolras:
It be time fo’ our asses all
To decizzle whoz ass our crazy-ass asses are…
Do our crazy-ass asses fight fo’ tha right
To a night all up in tha opera now?
Have you axed of yourselves
Whatz tha price you might pay?
Is it simply a game
For rich lil’ boys ta play?
Da color of tha ghetto
Is changing
Dizzle by day…
Red – tha blood of supa pissed men, muthafucka!
Black – tha dark of ages past, muthafucka!
Red – a ghetto bout ta dawn, muthafucka!
Black – tha night dat endz at last, muthafucka!
Marius:
Had you been there tonight
Yo ass might know how tha fuck it feels
To be struck ta tha bone
In a moment of breathless delight, muthafucka!
Had you been there tonight
Yo ass might also have known
How tha fuck tha ghetto may be chizzled
In just one burst of light, muthafucka!
And what tha fuck was right
Seems wrong
And what tha fuck was wrong
Seems right…
Grantaire:
Red…
Marius:
I feel mah ass on fire, muthafucka!
Grantaire:
Black…
Marius:
My fuckin ghetto if shez not there…
Chorus:
Red…
Marius
Da color of desire, muthafucka!
Chorus:
Black…
Marius:
Da color of despair, muthafucka!
Enjolras
Marius, yo ass is no longer a cold-ass lil child
I do not doubt you mean it well
But now there be a higher call
Who cares bout yo’ lonely soul
Our thugged-out asses strive toward a larger goal
Our lil lives don’t count at all, muthafucka!
Enjolras n’ Chorus:
Red – tha blood of supa pissed men, muthafucka!
Black – tha dark of ages past, muthafucka!
Red – a ghetto bout ta dawn, muthafucka!
Black – tha night dat endz at last, muthafucka!

Enjolras
Well, Courfeyrac, do our crazy-ass asses have all tha guns?
Feuilly, Combeferre, our time is hustlin short.
Grantaire, put tha forty down, muthafucka!
Do our crazy-ass asses have tha glocks our crazy-ass asses need, biatch?

Grantaire [drunk]
Give mah crazy ass brandy on mah breath
And I be bout ta breath ‘em all ta dirtnap, muthafucka!

[Gavroche rushes in, shouting.]

Gavroche
Listen, muthafucka!

Jean Prouvaire
Double dat up in Port St. Cloud, muthafucka!

Gavroche
Listen all y’all, muthafucka!
Gavroche
General Lamarque
Is dead, muthafucka!

Enjolras
Lamarque is dead as fuckin fried chicken.
Lamarque, muthafucka! His dirtnap is tha hour of fate.
Da gangstasz man.
His dirtnap is tha sign our crazy-ass asses await, muthafucka!
On his wild lil’ funeral dizzle they will honor his name.
With tha light of rebellion, a funky-ass blaze up in they eyes.
From tha candlez of grief our crazy-ass asses will kindle our flame, muthafucka!
On tha tomb of Lamarque shall tha barricade rise, muthafucka!
Da time is here, muthafucka!
Let our asses welcome it gladly wit courage n’ cheer
Let our asses take ta tha streets wit no diggitizzle up in our hearts
But a jubilant shout
They will come one n’ all
They will come when our crazy-ass asses call!

~phan