[i'm not dead yet]
Rantinga Phanel passed away late last night while trying too hard to even after re-watching the 2012 Doctor Who Christmas Special. She was found curled up in the fetal position in her basement, an SNL special playing in the background. Authorities detect no signs of foul play and have released the statement that she was hnnng-ing and trying to comprehend and trying to even so hard, her feels (which we all know are located in the core of the brain, and transmit physical feelings to a receptor in the stomach) exploded and ruptured all her internal organs. Even the spleen.
However, after a later investigation, a coroner discovered extremely bizarre discolorations of the deceased’s inside and is reported to have heard strange noises emitting from the corpse. The involved medical examiner, who will remain unnamed, was taken away for mental examination and another was sent in.
But upon entering the examination room, the coroner reported that the Rantinga’s body was gone along with all of the previous coroner’s notes and all glass objects in the room. There was only a man in a long, dark blue coat standing where the examination table had previously been. The mysterious man told the coroner something, which was later deciphered by a speech pathologist from a recording of the incident on security camera to be “We’re Torchwood, and you had really better not follow us.” The man then turned and left.
The coroner does not claim to have any memory of this incident. Psychiatrists agree that it could be due to chronic short term memory loss.
After being taken by the mysterious “Torchwood,” the girl’s body has not been recovered. We extend our deepest sympathies to the family of the deceased and give warning for local citizenry to be on the lookout for this possibly dangerous group, however no further local sitings have occurred.